I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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