i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
