So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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