There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
