If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have fence marks all over my body
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize