proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize