How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
