capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
