he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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