I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
