Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
