My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
