ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
