im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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