I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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