I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My balls are so social today.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
