I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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