i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
