Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
