true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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