Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize