so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she peed on how many people?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
