Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
