So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
