I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
