Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
