if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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