Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
