you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
