Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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