I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
