I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
