remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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