oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's rum buckets o'clock
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize