The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
vagina is talking i cant
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
