i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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