what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
