Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
