i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I cockslap morals
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I love you. Go after that dick
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
