JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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