Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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