dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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