so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
