she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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