i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
