Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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