There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
