I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's blow job season.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
