The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
