I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
