It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
