We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You should frame my arrest warrant.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
