my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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