Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
