if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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