tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
