youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
false alarm. still invincible.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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