Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
