i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
