i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
