thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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